This is Beirut

This is Beirut is designed to give voice to the millions of Lebanese who are suffering while the world sits silently. We are not interested in propagating hatred. We want the world to witness through the eyes of Lebanese citizens the destruction and the suffering that has been brought on in the name of defense. If you have a story, poem or letter to share, please email amyabdou@gmail.com We will work together to end this violence.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

War diaries, day 27

Dear World

August 7, Day 27

I don't know what to write. I am becoming a big fan of silence and writing is starting to exhaust me. Yet, I do it, because there are still thoughts jumping in my head and I need to store them somewhere. I am sorry to throw my mental trash all over you.

I want to apologize to everyone I am encountering these days. I apologize for looking at them, dumbfounded most of the time, nodding my head with a silly smile or expressionless numb face when they talk to me, forgetting to answer their questions, agreeing with whatever they say or throwing comments that fit wherever you place them such as "what can we do?", "what can we say?", "we shall wait and see", "aha" etc. It is just that I am in a 'head break'. Talking is exhausting me and listening is draining me. I think that what I need the most after this whole thing ends is a long silence break. No boom boom, no hello, no television news, no conversations. Nothing. Most probably, I will be walking around the city with a paper bag over my head saying "Rôdage".

I went to Sporting today, and I saw the disaster. The sea water is now a stagnant oily mass. I cannot say anything about it. I didn't want to remember, it would be mental suicide. Okay. I remembered a little bit. I remembered how it felt to swim in the sea, especially when the waves are a little wild. The cold water pushing and pulling me, wrinkled hands and salty lips.

Oil. Lots of it. I simply sat and looked, then decided to focus my sight on the horizon, which looked cleaner. The Chinese say that staring at the horizon is good for shortsightedness, so I decided to take advantage of the situation. The horizon is also good for mental haziness. I highly recommend it.

This is all I can get from the sea now. Just a look at the horizon.

Today, Sanioura cried.

Some 'tough' people commented, criticized.

Others said it is not 'manly'.

I looked at him cry and realized his tears were not a weakness. Any human being would have cried, obviously, but the problem is that there are not many of these left. I was so happy to see a politician-human being on television. So happy I started crying myself. Then of course my brother entered the room, nodded his head and told me I should definitely stop watching the news.

What can I do? The Flash News Grey Band had hypnotized me.

But hey, the Israeli explosions are still there to 'wake me up'! I hope that someday, their absence will wake me up from this long nightmare.

Tomorrow is a full moon night. Just what I needed.

With Love,

A Lebanese City Zen

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